Controversial Parenting Techniques - Take Some From Each

I like this thorough article of controversial parenting techniques. My take on this would be to gain some understanding of each technique and take what works for you from each. If you stick to “rigidly” to just one style then you’re discounting your particular needs, your babies needs and your family dynamics. As with anything, flexibility is key. Read on..

by Elena Donovan Mauer

Swaddling

The controversy: You know the age-old art of wrapping baby in a receiving blanket like a burrito? Well, some think it could be hazardous for baby. Critics say swaddling could cause problems including hip dysplasia, overheating and inability to wake when necessary.

What’s not so bad: Some new parents say swaddling helps baby sleep longer — she may be less likely to startle herself awake when her arms can’t flail. And the International Hip Dysplasia Institute says the practice is okay as long as you’re doing it correctly — don't wrap your little burrito’s legs too tightly.

“With my first daughter, swaddling made a huge difference,” says Kim E.* “She’d sleep for three hours at a time while swaddled and no more than 30 minutes at a time without the swaddle."

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Ferber Method

The controversy: Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems author Richard Ferber, MD, is probably best known for advising parents to let baby “ cry it out” to help him sleep through the night. Critics say leaving baby alone to cry without comforting him is cruel and could be emotionally scarring.

What’s not so bad: Ferber actually endorses “controlled crying” — allowing the child to cry for short periods of time, but not until he falls asleep or all night long. The idea is that babies naturally wake periodically at night. If you want yours to “sleep through the night,” Ferber says he’ll need to learn to fall back asleep without being rocked, fed or sang to, and he can’t learn to do that without practice. While the method isn’t for everyone, many swear it works.

“I feel so rested after 11 months of exhaustion thanks to Ferber,” says Leah R.

Free-Range Parenting

The controversy: Free Range Kids author Lenore Skenazy came under fire after writing that she let her nine-year-old ride the subway by himself. How could she put him in harm’s way like that? Some publications even dubbed her “America’s Worst Mom.”

What’s not so bad: Skenazy breaks down the facts: Child abduction is devastating but extremely rare. Worrywart parents might want to look to her book’s stats to help them realize that hovering over their kids doesn’t prevent bad things from happening, and most of the things they worry about aren’t worth stressing over. Giving kids choices and independence helps them learn to be responsible, says Skenazy.

“I read the book last summer and loved it. So did my husband. I definitely identify with the concept of free-range," says Jen F.

RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers)

The controversy: Made famous by some A-list parents who follow its teachings (Tobey Maguire, Penelope Cruz and Felicity Huffman supposedly), RIE’s more challenged teachings include no tummy time, no fancy toys and not pushing your child in a stroller before he can sit up on his own. Sounds stuffy and cold!

What’s not so bad: The basic principle is to let your child learn and discover things at his own pace, so not forcing him into tummy time or into sitting upright before he’s ready makes sense to plenty of parents. Also, letting baby play with pots and pans and a spoon instead of an overpriced, noisy toy with flashing lights isn’t just easy on your wallet, it’s creative too.

“The point of  RIE seems to be respecting your infant as a person,” says Marcie P. “Another major point is allowing your child free exploration while you have ‘you’ time, and then focusing your love and nurturing during feeding and changing.”

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Babywise

The controversy: In their book On Becoming Babywise, Gary Ezzo and Robert Buckham, MD, offer advice to get baby sleeping through the night starting around seven to nine weeks old. That sounds great to all the sleep-deprived moms and dads out there, but there’s one big problem. They recommend scheduling baby’s feedings for about three hours apart, and that can be harmful to a small baby. AAP News, a publication of The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), says the method “has been associated with failure to thrive, poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning… the program is inadequately supported by conventional medical practice.”

What’s not so bad: Sorry parents, but there’s not much to say here. While the book does get one thing right — getting baby into a daily routine or pattern is good for everyone’s sanity — we can’t get behind a rigid schedule dictated by the clock. Baby needs to eat, and restricting his intake just isn’t right.

“Using Babywise was successful for us in getting my daughter on a schedule,” says Georgia L. “However, I think you have to take some of what it says with the grain of salt and let your own instincts take over. If your child is hungry even though it's only been 45 minutes, don't let the baby cry!”

Co-sleeping

The controversy:  Sleeping with baby in your bed increases her risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), so AAP and US Consumer Product Safety Commission strongly advise against doing it for the first year of her life.

What’s not so bad: One 2013 study found that  co-sleeping increased breastfeeding rates, which is definitely a good thing, but not worth the SIDS risk. Luckily, there are other ways to “co-sleep” that don’t involve bed sharing. For example, having baby in a bedside bassinet or crib in your room is considered safe, could make breastfeeding more convenient and saves you the stress of running back and forth to the nursery all night long.

“We put baby in the bassinet in our room until he was sleeping for most of the night,” says Jane Y. “That was more for our sanity and not having to travel to his room. This worked out very well for us.”

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Elimination Communication

The controversy: Elimination Communication (lovingly called EC by adapters of the practice) is a method used by parents who choose to go completely diaper-free — yes, from birth. Sometimes, family and friends aren’t supportive of skipping diapers. Who wants to invite you for a play date if your little cutie could have a messy accident at any moment? Some doctors say that the practice could mean pushing your child to use the potty too early, and that can cause health problems such as  UTIs and constipation.

What’s not so bad: Supporters of EC swear it makes  potty training go faster and more easily. And not throwing disposable diapers in the trash, or having to wash cloth diapers, is undeniably easy on the environment.

“I started EC when my son was able to sit up on his own around six months,” says Lana G. “I would hold him on the toilet seat. He caught on right away. At two, he is totally potty trained."

“Extended” breastfeeding

The controversy: Did you see that cover of Time magazine, with the mother breastfeeding her three-year-old son? Well, lots of people saw it, and some thought the boy was way too old to be breastfed. Some believe breastfeeding past babyhood could be detrimental to a child’s sense of independence and say there’s no reason to keep doing it.

What’s not so bad: The AAP recommends  breastfeeding until at least age one, and the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding to age two or beyond. Neither recommends a firm age at which you need to stop. Toddlers still receive nutritional benefits from mom’s milk, and no study has proven the practice to be psychologically harmful. Every mom should feel free to choose her and her child’s own right time to stop nursing.

“I breastfed past age two, and I really think it’s the best thing I ever did!” says Renee S. “I think my son has a great immune system and we have a fantastic relationship. I never thought I would go that long, but I did and it didn’t feel strange or unnatural. In fact, it was quite the opposite.”

AttachmentParenting

The controversy:  Attachment Parenting is all about being close to your child. Controversial practices such as co-sleeping and long-term breastfeeding are considered part of this parenting style, but some people have more problems with it than that. Critics say that the practice forces parents to revolve their lives around their children — and all that hovering could result in selfish kids.

What’s not so bad: Supporters of AP say it helps children emotionally bond and develop a sense of trust. It also teaches kindness and compassion — definitely not bad things for a kid to learn. Plus, who doesn’t love cuddling with their kids?

“Some articles portray attachment parenting in such an extremist light, like we're all nursing our 8-year-olds in public and can't leave our kid with a babysitter,” says Gina U. “If you read into it more, you’ll find out it promotes certain ideals like breastfeeding, baby wearing and bed sharing, but that doesn't mean you can't pick and choose what works for your lifestyle.”

"French-Style" parenting

The controversy: Pamela Druckerman’s book Bringing Up Bébé has raised plenty of eyebrows. The author outlines what she learned about parenting while living in France. Parents there practically ignore their kids at the playground (dangerous!) and punish bad behavior without rewarding the good (negative!).

What’s not so bad: Sure, we all want to stop our toddler from climbing too high on the jungle gym before he’s ready and to give him a sticker or two when he uses the potty. But maybe every once in a while, we should let him explore things on his own (within reason, of course) and entertain himself instead of you always getting involved. After all, how else is he going to develop independence and talents? And how else are we supposed to get anything done?

“The part of the book that hit home for me was the one that said you can have a life having kids,” says Maggie G. “It seems that so many women become martyrs for their kids and give up everything, and this book was really good about showing you how to still go to dinner and enjoy hobbies at home with calm, well-mannered kids.”

see original article here

Are You a Guilty Parent?

Original Article by: Ann Smith Healthy Connections
 I rarely meet a parent who denies having guilt about how they have raised their children. For most of us a moderate amount of guilt is actually a sign of love, our strong attachment and commitment to do the best we can to raise healthy children. Of course it is a matter of degrees. As in all things, too much or too little can create a serious problem for both parent and child. The trick is to know we have it and why and more importantly, how it drives our choices and actions in our role as parent. Guilt is an emotion, not a reality or a life sentence. Guilt arises when we become aware of failing to be the best we could have been for our children. It comes and goes and can be mild or debilitating. Guilt tries to tell us something is wrong and needs to be corrected. If it isn't faced it will turn into shame, a feeling of worthlessness and a negative sense of self. Guilt can heal and be resolved with compassion and time. It lessens when shared out in the open and with understanding. Shame is more difficult to resolve. It is not about making mistakes. It is about being a mistake. In time and with help it too can be lessened. What do we feel guilty about? Scroll down...  
These are the Top 20 comments I hear from parents about their guilt:
  • I wasn't there enough.

• I didn't listen.
• I was too focused on the house and work.
• I wasn't affectionate enough.
• I was critical.
• I yelled, hit, and blamed.
• I was a bad role model.
• I didn't take the time to understand my children..
• I wasn't consistent
• I pushed too hard.
• I didn't push enough.
• I spanked.
• I drank.
• I was depressed.
• I fought with my children's dad or mom.
• I got divorced.
• I said hurtful things.
• I was selfish.
• I ignored my child.
• I didn't protect my children.

 When Guilt Becomes Destructive:
Guilt is a normal emotion that can be a warning sign or nudge in the right direction when it arises as a result of inappropriate behavior or stepping outside our own values. For some, guilt becomes a chronic, even obsessive thought process that is no longer connected to a specific mistake or regrettable action. When guilty parents become stuck in their pain they may be unwittingly creating more serious problems for themselves and even their children. If a child becomes depressed, exhibits problem behavior, has ADHD, uses drugs or alcohol, gets poor grades, is lazy, is defiant of authority, overweight, anorexic etc. guilty parents react in a variety of ways to cope with their pain. They may not be aware of the guilt, shame or any of their emotions but will instead act out what is going on internally. Self-blame can appear in many forms including enabling, dramatic pleas for change, threatening, blaming the child for your distress "How could you do this to me," withdrawing, raging, anxiety, hovering or even quitting as a parent. Guilt can linger and follow us long after children are out of the nest. Many parents do not realize that when they are visibly and dramatically upset about how their child is developing or performing, a normal child will internalize that as "I am not enough" or "I'm hurting my Dad and Mom." Since children's well-being depends on their attachment to us, they may work harder to be what they believe we want them to be even it is isn't best for them. Some may run away emotionally, rejecting our help in order to cope. When a guilty parent pushes a child toward perfection, children may feel the need to appear okay while denying their struggles and feelings.

The Good News about Guilt There is a silver lining here. If you're stuck in this cycle of parenting - you can find a healthier way to manager your guilt and/or shame. Remember that parenting does not need to be perfect. Our children learn from every experience in their lives, even our mistakes. If you had a very painful childhood you may be falling into the trap of viewing your children through the lens of your pain. You may be driven by your need to make it all better by giving your children a pain free childhood. Do have compassion for yourself and your painful experiences. But try to separate your past experience from the new and improved approach you are providing for your children. The goal is "good enough" -- not perfection. Children need some challenges and frustrations to become healthy functioning adults. Remember to stand back and look at ourselves and our children as complex human beings. It is obvious that we are all imperfect, unpredictable, inconsistent, driven by heredity and environment, as well as resilient, and capable of change. I remember myself as a young woman of 24, already divorced with a two-year-old son. I had no idea how young I was and how immature.

I made many mistakes and I still have a twinge of guilt, mostly about being selfish and impulsive. However, I now have compassion for myself at that stage of my life. I know in my heart that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and I had a lot of growing up to do. The guilt I carried about being divorced was a heavy burden for me and my burden could have become a burden to my son. With help I discovered that my child did not have to be okay to convince me that I was a good mother. A wise therapist once told me that children have a right to and a need for their own story in life. That includes making and learning from mistakes which my guilt could not allow. I learned that guilt could no longer play a part in my role as parent. I went on to have a daughter and as my children grew I also had to learn that guilt did not need to be the spoiler in my memories of the joys and challenges of raising them. The key is to focus on the process of parenting, which is basically loving, guiding and reassuring children instead of focusing on the outcome or how they turn out. Learning how to do this will ease the pressure of guilt and will help all of us to accept children as they are and to gradually let go of our role of parenting once they reach adulthood. Ann Smith is the Executive Director of Breakthrough at Caron. For more information, visit Breakthrough online or like Healthy Connections on Facebook.

Music Teaches Children Skills in Childcare

Music and Thinking Skills
Music is a tool that helps children learn new thinking skills. When children play with musical instruments, they explore cause and effect. They can see that pressing a key makes a sound. Additionally, they learn to pay attention to changes in sound, noting for example that certain keys sound deeper than others. Exploring musical instruments also helps children learn how different instruments work and the sounds they create. Inviting guest musicians to the child care program is an effective way of introducing children to unfamiliar musical instruments.

Music and Language
Singing songs is a powerful way for young children to practice language. When children sing, they practice pronouncing words and putting together sentences. Learning the lyrics to songs is also an effective way to remember information. How many people first learned the alphabet by singing the ABC song? Our brains remember language better when it is set to music. 

Music and Motor Skills
Songs with motions help children practice fine-motor coordination. Doing the finger motions of a song like "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" or a finger play like "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" helps children practice their hand and finger control -- a skill necessary for writing and handling small objects. Dancing to music also helps children perfect their control of their arms and legs. Music and dance are fun and help children be playful with each other and with their child care providers. 

Music and Emotions
Listening to music can help children learn about emotions. Music can also be soothing and comforting. Remember how babies love lullabies. Child care providers might play classical music and help the children label the sounds as scary, sad or happy. Children can also connect music with emotions by drawing or painting a picture of their feelings as they listen to a certain musical selection.

Music and Routines 
Music and singing can help children follow the routine of the child care program. Clean-up songs alert children that it's time to put away their toys and move to another activity. Child care providers can use songs to signal a transition from one activity to another, or to keep children interested and occupied while they are waiting for the next activity. Playing quiet music is a clear signal for nap time. Loud, energetic music can get children up and moving or help them use up energy before they settle down to a quieter task. Music is not just an "extra" in child care. Listening to music, singing songs and playing instruments provide learning opportunities and make both children and child care providers feel good. Look for creative ways to include music in child care programs for children of all ages.

Original Article Here

Music Boosts Children's Brain Power. 10 Reasons to Play Music

Original Article by by Sarah W. Caron They say that music is the universal language. Regardless of where you are from or what your background, a good melody is something that everyone can enjoy and understand. There must be something behind that, right? For children, music provides many, many benefits. Experts agree, there are lots of good things about letting your child learn to play an instrument. Here are 10 reasons why your child should put down the remote and pick up a musical instrument. 1. It will boost their brain power Want to give your child a mental advantage? Music can do that. "More and more studies show a correlation between higher academic achievement with children who are exposed to music," says children's music specialist Meredith LeVande of MonkeyMonkeyMusic.com. "Music simply stimulates parts of the brain that are related to reading, math, and emotional development." 2. It will improve their memory Where did that shoe go? That's a question asked far too many times in far too many households with kids. Help your kids remember more (and learn more!) with music. "Further research has shown that participation in music at an early age can help improve a child's learning ability and memory by stimulating different patterns of brain development," says Maestro Eduardo Marturet, a conductor, composer and musical director for the Miami Symphony Orchestra. 3. It helps them socially Picking up an instrument can also help your child break out of their social shell too, experts say. "Socially, children who become involved in a musical group or ensemble learn important life skills, such as how to relate to others, how to work as a team and appreciate the rewards that come from working together, and the development of leadership skills and discipline," says Marturet, who also oversees the MISO Young Artist program in South Florida, which allows young musicians to hone their musical skills as part of a professional orchestra. 4. It's a confidence builder Are there any areas of life that aren't enhanced by having good confidence? Probably not. And if you want your child to develop their confidence, learning to play a musical instrument can help. "They find that they can develop a skill by themselves, that they can get better and better," says Elizabeth Dotson-Westphalen, a music teacher and performer. 5. It teaches patience We live in a world of instant gratification, but real life demands having patience. When you are playing in a band or orchestra (and most musicians do), you have to be willing to wait your turn to play otherwise the sound is a mess. That inadvertently teaches patience. "You need to work together in a group to make music," says Dotson-Westphalen. 6. It can help them connect Who doesn't sometimes feel a little disconnected from their lives? Music can be a much-needed connection for kids (and adults too!). "It can satisfy the need to unwind from the worries of life, but unlike the other things people often use for this purpose, such as excessive eating, drinking, or TV or aimless web browsing, it makes people more alive and connected with one another," says Michael Jolkovski, a psychologist who specializes in musicians. 7. It's constant learning In some pursuits, you can never truly learn everything there is to know. Music is like that. "It is inexhaustible -- there is always more to learn," says Jolkovski. 8. It's a great form of expression People pay a lot of lip-service to expressing yourself. But how can kids really do that? One great way is through the arts -- like music. "It gives pleasure and expresses nuances of emotional life for which there are no words," says Jolkovski. 9. It teaches discipline There's this old joke that begins "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" The answer? "Practice, practice, practice." To improve in music, you have to not only do well in classes, but devote time to practicing outside of the lessons too. That requires discipline. "Exposing kids to musical instruments is the key. They are naturally curious and excited about them -- and the discipline that parents AND kids learn by sticking with it is a lesson in itself," says Mira Stulberg-Halpert of 3D Learner Inc., who works with children who have ADHD. 10. It fosters creativity Above all, playing music -- particularly as kids get to more advanced levels in it -- is a creative pursuit. Creatively is good for the mind, body and soul. 6. It can help them connect Who doesn't sometimes feel a little disconnected from their lives? Music can be a much-needed connection for kids (and adults too!). "It can satisfy the need to unwind from the worries of life, but unlike the other things people often use for this purpose, such as excessive eating, drinking, or TV or aimless web browsing, it makes people more alive and connected with one another," says Michael Jolkovski, a psychologist who specializes in musicians. 7. It's constant learning In some pursuits, you can never truly learn everything there is to know. Music is like that. "It is inexhaustible -- there is always more to learn," says Jolkovski. 8. It's a great form of expression People pay a lot of lip-service to expressing yourself. But how can kids really do that? One great way is through the arts -- like music. "It gives pleasure and expresses nuances of emotional life for which there are no words," says Jolkovski. 9. It teaches discipline There's this old joke that begins "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" The answer? "Practice, practice, practice." To improve in music, you have to not only do well in classes, but devote time to practicing outside of the lessons too. That requires discipline. "Exposing kids to musical instruments is the key. They are naturally curious and excited about them -- and the discipline that parents AND kids learn by sticking with it is a lesson in itself," says Mira Stulberg-Halpert of 3D Learner Inc., who works with children who have ADHD. 10. It fosters creativity Above all, playing music -- particularly as kids get to more advanced levels in it -- is a creative pursuit. Creatively is good for the mind, body and soul.

Why Music for Kids?

Why music for kids? Do you want to foster creativity and at the same time promote math? By teaching music you do both these things!

Playing music is a very creative process. But playing music is also a mathematical process. You don’t even have to read music to get the benefits of the mathematical process involved in music. Music is laid out in order.  Even on a very simple level all songs have a verse, chorus and usually a bridge. Although these fall in varying order they create a whole as in 1 +1 = 2.  Verse + Chorus+Verse+Bridge+Verse = Song or some form of this equals a song. It is very mathematical.

So, you can teach creativity and math at the same time. Who says the three “r’s” doesn’t include music? The three “r’s” should include the “s” in the acronym for reading, writing, arithmetic and song! 

Musicforkids.com

OBSERVE !

Observe your child and expect he/she will do the "right" thing or learn from their mistakes.
I use to have confidence in my son. By the time he was 7 (he's now 10) I knew I had taught him enough to make a good choice or if he didn't I could tell him about it and he would learn from his mistake.
As a parent it's easy to want to control or "over parent" your child. These days I find myself feeling like I want to tell my son what to do or how to do something before he even tries it. Somehow, in the last couple of years, I find myself leaning towards "over parenting". I'll correct my son if he makes a mistake before I give him the chance to correct himself. This may be due to the fact that as he gets older I want to make double sure he's going to do the "right" thing. I'm now realizing that if I trust him and trust he'll make a good choice then most of the time he will. If I don't give him a chance before I jump in and correct him then he never gets the chance to make a good choice and he'll never feel he can.
A good example:
I was walking along a trail with my son and my friend. I know my son is respectful of people and animals and is generally observant. My son was walking a ways ahead of my friend and I and coming up from the other direction was a horse (and person riding the horse of course). The trail is fairly skinny and when walking I always step aside and stand still to make sure and not spook the horse and let rider and horse pass.
My son, who is ahead and much closer to the horse, is walking right in the middle of the trail. I immediately have the inclination to holler out to my son in a parental tone, "remember to move over and let the horse pass, don't spook it, give them plenty of room". My friend also says, "you better tell your son to move over."
I almost say it but then something kicks in and I say to my friend, "just watch, he knows what to do." My son keeps walking right in the middle of the trail and I'm ready to yell out to him, "move over", but I squelch it. We've encountered horses on the trail before and I've already taught him what to do. No matter how out of my comfort zone it may be, I'm going to wait.
Well, at the last moment, but still with in plenty of time, he very politely and gently moves over and stands still until the horse passes. The woman rider thanks him and we move on. His time frame in making the right choice was out of my comfort zone but he made a good choice. I held my tongue and trusted him. But I had to make an effort to trust. Even if he wouldn't have made the right choice it wouldn't have been so bad. I could tell him what to do and trust next time he'd do it. At least I would have given him the chance!
Like I said, lately I find myself having a hard time with just sitting back and observing. I am going to try to get back to letting my child make the choice even if it's a little later then I'd like. In that way my child will gain the confidence necessary to make the good choices and learn from his mistakes.
If your child knows you trust him/her then they will trust themselves. If you don't trust them then they will most certainly not be able to trust their own choices.
Sit back, let yourself feel uncomfortable and observe. It gets easier over time.
:)